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Thread: So now that we have grown up... 😂

  1. #1
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    Feb 2007
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    Default So now that we have grown up... 😂

    My first little rower is now married and we have our first grandchild turning one in October! How did the years go by so quickly??!!

    So now that us old rowers are growing up 😂 maybe you can share with me your best tips for having a fabulous relationship with your grown children’s spouse?

    I need a “What to Expect When You Gain a Son in Law” book. 😂
    Last edited by shonda in ca; 09-24-2018 at 03:17 PM.

  2. #2
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    May 2008
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    Virginia
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    No advice, just hugs and hearts! Loved your post because it gave a gentle chuckle.
    Jennifer
    married 21 years to Kevin, Simon (18) college freshman and Ian (15) high school sophmore!

  3. #3
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    Such a good question! I think most of us can think back to our own mother-in-law's to answer that, for good or ill.

    My own mother-in-law has always steadfastly refused to offer an opinion about what we should be doing or how we should be parenting, managing our finances, etc. This has been frustrating, at times, because I really value her opinion. But, on the other hand, I have never felt judged by her because I have never felt like she thought I was doing things wrong.

    I have a good, but somewhat distant, relationship with my sons-in-laws. When they are here, I tend to be more focused on my daughters or grandchildren. I have a closer relationship with my daughter-in-law but it has taken a long time to develop a bond and to gain her trust (I think this was due to the lack of a mother in her growing-up years). I try to always praise the job she is doing raising my grandsons (which is made easier by the fact that she is really doing a FABULOUS job).

    I might have more to say but I have to leave for work but I'm anxious to read what others say on this important topic!
    Family: DH Ayden; Chelsea/Francois; Shannon/Seb; Alex/April/Ayden/Luke; Lindsay/Jordan/Asher; Kimberly (24); Jake (22); Jamie (20); Olivia (18) and Kylie (16)

  4. #4
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    I can only tell you what I wish my relationship had been like with my in-laws. They lived near us (MIL still does). Because of my relationship with them, I counsel my young friends who are getting married in the following way; maybe you can turn it around to be from the MIL perspective:

    Work hard at having a relationship with your in-laws (not just parents-in-law, but siblings as well) that is independent of your spouse. Go to lunch. Go to coffee. Send the occasional card. Call on the phone "just because". Invite them over "just because." Include them every time you can.

    Your in-laws will be important people in your life pretty much forever. At first your relationship will probably be awkward, especially if you use your spouse as 'middle man.' Work hard at it. Go out of your way to include them, to get to know them as individual people, to befriend them. Get to know them. I can't emphasize this enough.

    Be honest with them. From. The. Beginning. That way there will be fewer things that crop up in your relationship that fester.

    Don't take differences in opinion (such as on marriage, parenting, politics) personally. Be interested in their opinions and the reasons for them. Try to learn from them.

    Try to look ahead to when they are gone - What will you regret not doing? What will you regret having done?

    They are not just your "in-laws." They are your spouse's parents (siblings), your children's grandparents (aunts / uncles). This is important and hard. Work at it and don't give up.

    ***************

    I do know that my grandparents did not like my dad when he and Mom were dating, and didn't want her to marry him. Once they were married, my grandparents accepted it and over time a sincere love developed between them. (Part of that stemmed from my dad's brutal honesty. I'm not sure I recommend that.) My dad went on to own a business with his father-in-law, to care for my grandparents when they were elderly, and to truly mourn their passing. He went on to say that they treated him better than his own parents had done.
    Robin, wife for 22 years to a wonderful man, and mama to 20yo Belle; 18yo Kitty; 14yo Princess, and 12yo Boyo.
    Words for 2015 and 2016 and probably forever: Be her.

  5. #5
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    I've just become a MIL recently - and I have a DIL now, which is different than a SIL ... but the wisest words I've heard yet on being a MIL are from Joy, here on the boards. When the wedding was looming and I was unsure of my place or responsibilities or new role, she told me, "Here's my advice for being a good mother-in-law, especially for having a dil: Buy a roll of duct tape. It comes in pretty colors and patterns to match any wedding or baby’s room. Wrap it around your mouth and head. Only take it off to say, “What a great idea! I love it! How can I help you?”



    Funny, but so true.

    My own MIL is wonderful and I've learned so much from her. She never judges me. She never makes slightly distasteful faces or subtle innuendoes (oh yes, many women are really good at these things!). She gives gifts freely and then never speaks of them again. She tells me what a good mom and wife I am. She tells me she's happy that I married her son. I love her to pieces and I hope somehow, even though we have very different personalities, that I can be like her as a MIL.
    "Ree-bee," Mom to former United States Marine ds and math teacher DIL * artist dd 20 * motion-loving ds 17 * piano-playing ds 12
    "For Miss Minnie loved children and she loved books, and she taught merely by introducing the one to the other." from "A Consent," by Wendell Berry

  6. #6

    Default

    I've just become a MIL recently - and I have a DIL now, which is different than a SIL ... but the wisest words I've heard yet on being a MIL are from Joy, here on the boards. When the wedding was looming and I was unsure of my place or responsibilities or new role, she told me, "Here's my advice for being a good mother-in-law, especially for having a dil: Buy a roll of duct tape. It comes in pretty colors and patterns to match any wedding or baby’s room. Wrap it around your mouth and head. Only take it off to say, “What a great idea! I love it! How can I help you?”
    Good gravy this made me laugh, and I can just imagine Joy giving that advice. THIS is why I have loved these boards and the women on them for YEARS!!

  7. #7
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    Thank you all and I think I’m resonating with Joy’s the most! I’m laughing but it’s just what I needed to hear.

  8. #8
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    USA
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    No suggestions here, either. I'll be getting my first DIL next month. I don't even know what my role is for the wedding preparations or anything! And on top of that, I will become a first-time grandma in February-ish.

    I think my mom has been a good example of what a MIL is/does. She's been my mentor in homeschooling, I'll let her be my mentor in mother-in-lawing.
    ~KayH~
    ~mom of 4, ages 16-27--Homeschooling since 1998~
    "Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive."~Eleanor Roosevelt

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